Black Friday

It is easy for me to fool myself with regard to Black Friday. I like to think that the Black Friday shoppers are consumeristic, and I who only goes shopping during normal business hours am not consumeristic. Being a Black Friday shopper does not make you a consumeristic person, being American pretty much took care of that... Being a Black Friday shopper makes you a strange mix of courageous and stupid. I am all too ready to trot out statistics about global lack and poverty to attack shoppers after i have just finished consuming what couldn't have been much shy of the American average of 4000 calories at thanksgiving. Saying they are consumeristic but I am not is like saying rich people are the ones with three cars, not people with two cars like me. I must be honest with myself and remember that consumerism is not a rash that easily is treated and goes away with an ointment; it is a cancer and we all have it at varying stages. Consumerism is infectious and deadly because it appeals to my selfishness and I am heavily addicted to myself. I have to stop throwing rocks at others so that I can assuage my own doubts and inconsistencies. But guilt changes almost nothing, love changes us--therefore let us encourage one another to love and good deeds instead of berating each other for our failures, as if somehow we can criticize the hell out of each other.

thankful

A woefully incomplete, somewhat disorganized, yet completely honest list of what I am thankful for...

• my wife, Kelly, who is the most amazing woman I can imagine... whose smile and laugh still captivate me and whose faith and integrity inspires me and whose love and support remind me of how much my God loves me. You are my perfect match and God’s richest gift to me.
• my son who is so beautiful, precious, kind, wild, sweet, and good that I cannot imagine a happy life that does not include him. I pray that he is better than me and that I do not break him, because he is so very amazing. Cooper, you are my beloved son, and a wonderfully forgiving friend. You make my life full.
• my family whose love in spite of its faults teaches me about grace every day. It is not the idyllic thought of family that I am thankful for; it is my real family that has made me part of who I am today, and I thank God for my family.
• my mother whose love and faithful practice of grace and joy has taught me that nothing will ever separate us from the love of Christ. You forgive too well, love to freely, and endure hardship to faithfully... and this is your gift. And you live in such a way that your gift touches all who know you. You inspire me.
• my brother Jeremy--I never would have thought that our sibling rivalry/disgust would have birthed such a genuine and genuinely empowering relationship. Thank you for caring for me and being there when I need support and prayer. Your presence is humbling and at times still infuriating, but I love you. Your wife is incredible and better than you deserve. Your kids are kind and patient and godly. You win.
• my cousin James whose laughter is still one of my favorite things. I grew up getting in trouble in church with you and still manage to get in trouble in church with you despite our living more than 500 miles apart from each other. Thank you for loving sports as much as I do—it is a sickness and we are not well, but at least we have each other and our terrible opinions. I am thankful you are as bad at fantasy sports as I am. I am thankful for our brain trust that is short on brains but long on trust—this is true friendship. I pray for you and your wife every day that you will be happy and fulfilled in every way... you deserve it... most of the time.
• my father. It is not perfection that makes us worthy of love. Although our relationship is scarred, it is healed and still healing, and I am thankful to have you in my life... at least more often than not.
• my grandparents who taught me most of what I know about being a man and being a Christian. I am indebted to your devoted love and earnest care and instruction. You taught me to love God and his church. If I am honest, disappointing you is my greatest fear. I know that you will love me no matter what, but I dare not give you cause for grief and pain because you have loved me too richly. I pray that those parts of me you would frown on will never separate us, and as we walk together in God forever we find a love that is even half as real as it has been thus far.
• my church--not just the ideal universal church for which I am certainly thankful; rather, I mean the local church at Rochester Church of Christ. You are an honest, courageous, creative, and gifted church. In your authentic humanity and your faithful love you show me God.
• my job--notice this is different than the prior entry. The opportunity to work with such a phenomenal group of believers in unbelievable. Even more, the opportunity to work with my co-workers--Jim, Karen, Jason, Darren, Brian, Trudy, Susie, Laura, Sara, Betty, Beth, and Stephanie. I realize that when I was invited to be a minister at such an amazing church, I was born on third base (I never hit a triple)... and I am so very very blessed.
• my shepherds whose faithful and thoughtful leadership is admirable and easy to work alongside. I could not ask for leaders who care more about serving God faithfully and boldly, loving people fiercely and authentically, and walking courageously in faith.
• my friends who accept me for who I am, love me in spite of my imperfect love that I return to them, and graciously laugh with me, cry with me, and walk with me. I do not deserve you all and cannot mention you all by name, but I am so very thankful for you.
• my friend Steve whose patience, steadfast love, and trust is more than I deserve. I love laughing with you friend, and look forward to days when our laughter once again trumps our tears. And if that never happens, I am simply thankful to go through it all with you.
• my friend Chris whose heart is perpetually open and whose passion is a reminder of God's joyful love for me. I am thankful for sharing life with you in random reconnections in places neither of us would have predicted, and I cannot wait until God's providence brings us together again.
• my friend Tate, I do not deserve your friendship. You have too much energy and too little filter, but your heart is as big as the universe and I long to learn how to love life like you do. Thank you friend.
• my friend Brian C. whose thoughtful conversation and laughter reminds me that life is bigger than the day to day busy-ness, and whose true friendship helps me remember that I am not alone in this world, and it is okay to be my real self. Thank you for the space to be who I really am.
• my friend Josh whose ability and expertise exceeds mine, whose graciousness and humility exceeds mine, and whose creativity and courage exceeds mine. I learn from you daily friend. I miss times when we spoke more and really talked more. I love you , though, and pray life will once again bring us back to that closeness. I love your incredible wife who is a perfect match for you. That is rare. May God bless you and Kara and your beautiful children.
• my friend Brian B. whose candor catches me off guard and whose way-too-big-for-his-face smile gives me comfort and welcome that I do not deserve. I am praying for you that you are richly blessed.
• my friend Jason whose love of bad puns and Amy Grant still baffles me and troubles me greatly, but whose devotion top loving God and loving others is powerful testimony to me that faith looks like something. Jason, your wife is amazing too, even though she is the world's greatest sympathy crier. Love you guys.
• my friend Patrick whose support and trust is precious to me. Some relationships seem like they are natural no matter how much distance or time passes, and you, friend, feel like this kind of friend to me. I pray God's richest blessings on you and your amazing wife. You are an example and a mentor whose grace is tangible. Thank you.
• my friend Keith. You are smarter and wiser than me, and that makes me jealous. You are also a better person than me, but that is less impressive. Still, your guidance and faithfulness to a practice-able theology means more than I ever let on. I love teaching with you and learning from you. God grant you and your wife and children peace in its richest meaning.
• music. Honest music is the voice of God speaking into the deepest parts of us. Somehow the rhythm and drama of notes and chords and weak yet real words combine to lift us to a beatific vision that we can find in no other way. Thank you for soothing me, calling me, challenging me, lifting me, felling me, breaking me, and healing me.
• my home which even though it feels like a money pit at times is still a very beautiful (leaky) roof over our head, and shelter from the cold, and comfort to my life. My happiest place has always been lying in bed next to my wife (and now my son in there too) as the sun pours through the window. Wherever that happens is home. 
• football… primarily college football. I am also surprised at how high on the list this is. Roll Tide Roll!!!
• baseball. You are my second love after college football. You have never loved me back, but I still love you.
• words. Stories, sentences, poems, and phrases… the sacred power of words to express, illuminate, educate, transform, build, and destroy is more than I could ever ask for. Without communication there can be no relationship, and without relationship there is no real life.
• My God. I no longer wonder where you are, but rather where you are not. I see you present everywhere at all times and I am humbled by your transforming love. I feel you nearer to me than blood and bone, and I am not deserving, but I am fiercely thankful. I praise you forever and ever with all that I am. I surrender to you and you give me life in return. Thank you God of life.

one year later

It was 12:17a when I found out that Jeremy King had died. I spent over an hour in shock unable to sleep. Around 2:00a I medicated with some benedryl to make myself sleep--it hardly worked. At 5:02a, I jolted awake with my mind racing knowing that I had to do something--if I stayed there, I would break apart. So I got up, got dressed, and got into my car to go be with my friends. This is the song that was playing in my car as I drove to the King's house. It was so fitting... it is a song about loss and memory and pain and grief--just wanting to hibernate and hide from the pain of a deep loss.

It still is one of my favorites, but it is so hard to listen to without great sadness. This song is for you, Jeremy.